The panty story

The past few days have brought some revelations.
A few ladies I know have shown an almost unbelievably bad taste in lingerie.
No, don’t get me wrong here, most of them just write about it.
There were some turn off shades like pink, orange, yellow and green. And some bigger turn offs with sparkles and polka dots.
And then, one sweet girl took the cake.
She claimed to fancy cartoon character like lingerie with psychographic descriptions that say ‘mysterious’ or ‘I’m single’.
Though thankfully she doesn’t wear them over her denims. And neither is the graffiti in Braille. But that doesn’t really help.
I cannot, but wonder what purpose they serve.
Besides the hygienic reasons the only other benefit of lingerie is pleasure. Either to yourself, or to another’s. In which case, if you’re lucky, it would boil down to the first.
Net-net, Pleasure...
Now, how in heavens name, does orange or green lingerie give you any form of visual pleasure? Because what you feel has less to do with color and more to do with fabric. So ultimately it is visual pleasure for self (less) and others (more).
(I will not even make a mention of pink here.)
And while we are talking about fabric and texture, how can I forget a few hidden quirks I was privy to. Now nobody wants to hurt themselves with heir own lingerie…right?
Considering, the kinky ones, well yes. There is a possibility. But how can you ‘do up’ your lingerie in a way that it not only stands to permanently harm your privates but bring your already colorless sex life to an end? Kinks are fine, I’m all for them. Hell…I have a few of my own.
But if the kink happens to be related to word games, barb wires or sandpaper… I am surprised you are managing to get some in the first place.
Imagine this. You get into a room (or anywhere you chose) with a babe. Things are going good and she sheds her 501s to reveal a pink and white number with ‘mysterious’ written on the butt!
And says “lets play sexagram – anagram”. Jumble up ‘mysterious’ and come up with a sexy word.
Oooooooffffff! Turn off would be a blessing in such a situation.
Or maybe you hurt your fingers while undoing the barb wire.
Or removing the sandpaper.
If they have not already hurt someone fatally.
(The flip side here is, there will be no make out session. No in-betweens. You either go all the way there, or kiss and hope for lesser hurdles on the way next time. But with such lingerie, please do not attempt a 2nd base make out session. For it will end up in the emergency room of the nearest hospital. And you will have to come up with a convincing, yet baseless story.

But hell, some of these prints still look good. Tiger prints with fur and all. Or barb wire. Or sandpaper. Or some dandy outrageous color with who-knows-why graffiti on them.
But they look good on someone else. Preferably standing next to a pole. Or dancing on it. Under neon lights. And inconsequential music.

Now here it is very important to understand what good lingerie is.
You see, good lingerie is first and foremost simple. And comfortable.
Plain. Without prints.
Because good lingerie either needs to merge with your clothes. Or your skin.
So unless you have natural fur or skin like sandpaper or private parts like the de-forested area 51 that is barb wired (in which case I am surprised you need good lingerie in the first place), please stick to simple and comfortable. They will surely help you get some.

If you’re not planning to make a living out of being whipped or poled, stick to the tried and tested sexy lingerie.
In lace. Satin. At times sexy black leather. Or good old cotton. For a more detailed version please visit www.victoriassecret.com

And yes, the colors in order of sensuality are black, red, white, grey, blue and peach.

And if none of these suggestions sound good to you (you know who all I’m referring to), chuck the whole thing. Forget lingerie. Reduce a step in the process. Get down straight to business.

Pleasure. Thy name is lingerie.
Though if love is blind, I wonder why lingerie is so popular. But that is for another blog…

After thoughts

How does a biker ride a bike with the entire weight he carries resting on his privates? Which in turn rest on sandpaper and barb wire. Or fur for that matter. And pressed against the iron of the fuel tank.

I failed to have an after thought on the purpose of the ‘mysterious’ word game. Was it featured under the ‘10001 sex tips to spice up your life’ in the latest issue of cosmopolitan?

Orange I agree is a ‘happy’ color. But lingerie should make you feel sexy, not happy.

And finally, sparkles are for class 2 coloring projects. Of fancy dress costumes. Or to decorate and liven up boring show pieces. Need I say more?