6.2.06

The panty story

The past few days have brought some revelations.
A few ladies I know have shown an almost unbelievably bad taste in lingerie.
No, don’t get me wrong here, most of them just write about it.
There were some turn off shades like pink, orange, yellow and green. And some bigger turn offs with sparkles and polka dots.
And then, one sweet girl took the cake.
She claimed to fancy cartoon character like lingerie with psychographic descriptions that say ‘mysterious’ or ‘I’m single’.
Though thankfully she doesn’t wear them over her denims. And neither is the graffiti in Braille. But that doesn’t really help.
I cannot, but wonder what purpose they serve.
Besides the hygienic reasons the only other benefit of lingerie is pleasure. Either to yourself, or to another’s. In which case, if you’re lucky, it would boil down to the first.
Net-net, Pleasure...
Now, how in heavens name, does orange or green lingerie give you any form of visual pleasure? Because what you feel has less to do with color and more to do with fabric. So ultimately it is visual pleasure for self (less) and others (more).
(I will not even make a mention of pink here.)
And while we are talking about fabric and texture, how can I forget a few hidden quirks I was privy to. Now nobody wants to hurt themselves with heir own lingerie…right?
Considering, the kinky ones, well yes. There is a possibility. But how can you ‘do up’ your lingerie in a way that it not only stands to permanently harm your privates but bring your already colorless sex life to an end? Kinks are fine, I’m all for them. Hell…I have a few of my own.
But if the kink happens to be related to word games, barb wires or sandpaper… I am surprised you are managing to get some in the first place.
Imagine this. You get into a room (or anywhere you chose) with a babe. Things are going good and she sheds her 501s to reveal a pink and white number with ‘mysterious’ written on the butt!
And says “lets play sexagram – anagram”. Jumble up ‘mysterious’ and come up with a sexy word.
Oooooooffffff! Turn off would be a blessing in such a situation.
Or maybe you hurt your fingers while undoing the barb wire.
Or removing the sandpaper.
If they have not already hurt someone fatally.
(The flip side here is, there will be no make out session. No in-betweens. You either go all the way there, or kiss and hope for lesser hurdles on the way next time. But with such lingerie, please do not attempt a 2nd base make out session. For it will end up in the emergency room of the nearest hospital. And you will have to come up with a convincing, yet baseless story.

But hell, some of these prints still look good. Tiger prints with fur and all. Or barb wire. Or sandpaper. Or some dandy outrageous color with who-knows-why graffiti on them.
But they look good on someone else. Preferably standing next to a pole. Or dancing on it. Under neon lights. And inconsequential music.

Now here it is very important to understand what good lingerie is.
You see, good lingerie is first and foremost simple. And comfortable.
Plain. Without prints.
Because good lingerie either needs to merge with your clothes. Or your skin.
So unless you have natural fur or skin like sandpaper or private parts like the de-forested area 51 that is barb wired (in which case I am surprised you need good lingerie in the first place), please stick to simple and comfortable. They will surely help you get some.

If you’re not planning to make a living out of being whipped or poled, stick to the tried and tested sexy lingerie.
In lace. Satin. At times sexy black leather. Or good old cotton. For a more detailed version please visit
www.victoriassecret.com

And yes, the colors in order of sensuality are black, red, white, grey, blue and peach.

And if none of these suggestions sound good to you (you know who all I’m referring to), chuck the whole thing. Forget lingerie. Reduce a step in the process. Get down straight to business.

Pleasure. Thy name is lingerie.
Though if love is blind, I wonder why lingerie is so popular. But that is for another blog…

After thoughts

How does a biker ride a bike with the entire weight he carries resting on his privates? Which in turn rest on sandpaper and barb wire. Or fur for that matter. And pressed against the iron of the fuel tank.

I failed to have an after thought on the purpose of the ‘mysterious’ word game. Was it featured under the ‘10001 sex tips to spice up your life’ in the latest issue of cosmopolitan?

Orange I agree is a ‘happy’ color. But lingerie should make you feel sexy, not happy.

And finally, sparkles are for class 2 coloring projects. Of fancy dress costumes. Or to decorate and liven up boring show pieces. Need I say more?

33 comments:

Noojes said...

Darling Harjee,

Stop being boring and by the way if you had been to victoria's secrets lately...you would know its all about colour and texture...

And let me state on record, all my innerwear are Victoria's secret and I have them in Pink, orange with sparkes, lime green and plenty of other colours

Before I go, please note, today is Leopard print day...

-Noojes

Harjee Kapur said...

i didn't see any Leopard prints, fur, barb wire or sandpaper on VS.com...

and just because it's available, really doesnt mean it's sexy.

and for the record, i already knew all your innerwear is VS ;-)

though i was spared the horror colors.

harjee

Noojes said...

Its all relative my dear

And trust me sexy is in the eyes of the beholder

'Ahem' must be boring

-Noojes

Harjee Kapur said...

sexy is part how you look. part how you feel.
and loads how you make the other person feel.
and yes, it is relative.


boring? never got that complaint before...

Noojes said...

'Ahem' wasn't with reference to you but to a certain someone else

Figure it out

-Noojes

byker7 said...

fuck man. you write like you talk...

Harjee Kapur said...

yup!
in copywriting terms, according to neil french, thats exactly the way it is supposed to be done.

thanks for the compliment byker...

Spazsim Chasm said...

Hahaahahhahaa...Super. Lingerie advice comin from Harjee.
I'm flattered that you referred to me several times in the post, and flattered that i inspired a post from you.
Not flattering however was the suggestion that I should give up writing and persue a career in pole dancing!
And another thing, since everyday of our lives, we are not lucky enough to get some (and i speak purely for myself here) we need to just feel happy, and not sexy. Because ultimatly feeling sexy just reminds us of the fact that we are going home to an empty bed. And the sexiness turns redundant and is just depressing.
Now an orange panty, for instance, is just pure fun - and fun only for the wearer. Why should single women please anyone else? Also the 'mysterious' and 'i'm single' panties are just for a laugh..I also have this green undie that has a wishlist, some of the wishes include - i wish for a boyfriend, i wish for cake and i wish for icecream.
Personally I think my panties say something about how i am feeling- querky then i go with the "i'm single" etc. Get it? Mood Panty Theory.
And for the record, it was byker who was facinated with the sandpaper frills and barbed wire bouffants... So may be you should ask him for the site.. bykerssexyinners.com ;))
But all in all, I loved the plaintive cry of a man in need of answers... good read.. And thanks again..

byker7 said...

i've never ever said you talk well.

wittysounding name said...

couldn't resist dropping by, since it has been a long wait. all of you seem to know each other inside out. nhmpfbrwahaha. dear 30&happy, do update your blog. please.
by god, you all seem to be such talented writers. will re-return harjee, unless banned.

Harjee Kapur said...

witty - i allow anonymous comments on my blog.

need i say more?

Anonymous said...

can i please have my 2 minutes back from reading this blog?

how can anyone making talking about panties so boring?

Anonymous said...

What did you have in mind anonymous? How would you make the panty story more engrossing?

Harjee Kapur said...

ah anonymous...i reckon you're the same bloke from 30andhappys' blog.

i know it because as usual, you got the plot but missed the point.

well, this blog was about my likes and dislikes towards lingerie. i wonder how you assumed it was meant to be entertaining...to you?

actually i'm sorry. had i known your the definite premise of your gender, which would have said something about the kind of innerwear you patronise, i would have tried...to keep the jane and joes' of the world entertained.
but 'anonymous' didn't help much. and this blog was strictly for men and women.
honest question - do you suffer from delusions of adequacy?

and yes, you can have your two minutes back. it isn't worth anything either ways :-)

h a r j e e !

Harjee Kapur said...

god!
now there are two of them!
they're breeding!

look, can one of you get a name. make it up if you want. this is too confusing....

now i'm not sure if the freak asking for his two minutes back is the same freak i think it is???

hey guys, or whatever you are...please sort out your identity crisis.

Harjee Kapur said...

witty - here is the flip side of allowing anonymous comments.

hey anonymous (both of you)- atleast make an alias like witty...

wittysounding name said...

dear anonymi, you're giving me a bad name. and a funny, funny grin.

Noojes said...

I'm enjoying this thoroughly and for the record, its cobalt blue day today :)

-Noojes

wittysounding name said...

mine is used-to-be-maroon. tagless.

Spazsim Chasm said...

Ok these anonymous people are bizzare. Why do you not have a name? A fake name even? Poor Harjee.. first panties now Anon wiseguys? Assumin you are guys... and judging from the inane conversation - my assumption is correct.
It's hot pink day for me.. i was all matchy.. pink skirt, pink scarf etc... ;))

Anonymous said...

i would now like a refund on the add'l 30 seconds i spent reading a lame rebuttal.

Harjee Kapur said...

Repetitive.
You really don't have anything intelligent to say?

Spazsim Chasm said...

Anon.. you don't learn do you? You say it's lame. and you say it's boring. But you are still readin it.. makes me wonder if you have secret desires to see Harjees panties.. gasp and shock!
:)

Harjee Kapur said...

Boxers! I do not wear panties.
And mine are a collection to die for.
And SC, please don't mind Anonymous(whateveritis). It takes special time out everyday to humiliate itself in blogsphere for our entertainment.
Though I'm surprised that with the decimal figure IQ it has shown so far, it manages to get on the www by itself...

Anonymous said...

yikes... touchy, touchy.

wittysounding name said...

time was when men fought over women. over money. over land. over women mostly. how low can we sink?

by the way, today's black. with 'vijay' stickered on one corner.

Noojes said...

Today is blue and orange piping day...

-noojes

Tony said...

Paaji,
Sat sri akal.

Ee Victoria kaun kudi hai paaji?
Uski secret bhi hai?
Balle-balle.
Aap ki toh Bangalore main aish hai paaji.
Apni toh Jullunder main weekday kachcha, weekend langoti haal hai.

Back home in Jullunder kuch news hi nahi.
No news is always bad news, teacher bole.
Sweety di Mummy di bad news hai ji.
Happy di kutte ne Sweet di Mummy di pair katti.
Sweety di Mummy boli "Happy di kutte, bad dog!"
Happy di Daddy di temper kho gayi.
Happy di Daddy ne kachche se kirpan nikali.
Sweety di Mummy nade-nade bachch gayi.

Waise paaji, ee lingerie kithe milti hai?
Sweety ko bhi dila dete hain.
Sometimes Sweety's kachcha, my kachcha which-which pata hi nahi chalta.
Sweety di do kachche, one for Sunday, one for Monday, then pehla one for Tuesday, doosra one for Wednesday, then pehla one for Thursday, then doosra one for Friday, then pehla one for Saturday.
Ui! abhi pata chala, Saturday-Sunday same kachcha!

Baaki sab toh thik hai paaji.
Only tusi do-teen doubt clear karni hai.
Second base ki hai paaji?
Aur teesra doubt.
Paaji, aap lingerie di design-wesign pe mind kyon waste karte ho ji?
Apni jungle main purani bol hai ji.
Dikhi haath, baja de taali.
Balle-balle.
Ab haath gori ki kaali, maili ki mehndi ki farak painda paaji.
Ek dikhi haath, toh baja di taali.
Happy.

Phir bhi paaji, you are lucky.
Ui! Lucky toh Jarnail di kutte ka naam hai.
Anyway paaji, all the best.
Victoria di kar de balle-balle.

Borngifted sanjana said...

Honest Harjee i enjoyed Tony's comment more than your blog.I had such a good laugh.

Anonymous said...

Hmnnn, Ive been to Bangalore 4 times, and well, it simply is not the place I go to get advice on lingerie! LOL......today its orange panties with yellow and pink stars. Think they are NOT sexy? You dont get to look, anyway, they are not for you.....

Mostly anyway, it ends up on the floor, so who cares if they are green or purple, have barbed wire or feathers.....

Remind me to NOT take lingerie advice from a young spunky Bangalorena brat :P

Anonymous said...

....or a Bangalorean brat either! :P

Anonymous said...

You must listen to "The Power of Orange Knickers" by Tori Amos

Also, i have now permanently shifted to bright yellow glow in the dark boxers with glowing skulls on them. Its an instant hit with the women!

Drops Of Jupiter said...

Giggle.. how hilarious..the post, and Tony's comment..my kachcha your kachcha which which confusion and what not.. =)

p.s. french lace is the bestest.